(Not So) Baby Boy

     Nearly every day for the past year, I have been writing letters to B, describing his childhood and my journey through motherhood day by day. Hopefully one day he (or his wife) will appreciate it, but until then, it has been a great way for me to document his life and remember all of the sweet, and often messy, details. 

     This past weekend, B turned one! I hardly could believe it. I tried time and again to write a witty, clever post about my first year in motherhood. Maybe shell out some advice, share an anecdote or two. You know, the stuff that circulates around Facebook and Mommy-blogs like wildfire. But every time I started, I just couldn't power through it. I was a hot mess, the writing was a hot mess. It was just...a mess. So, instead, I thought I would just share the letter I wrote to B the night after his party; a love letter to my (not so) baby boy:

Dear Bradley,

When you were born and I sat down to write, thinking of ways to describe your plump, kissable cheeks and wrinkly baby toes, I repeated the same question in my head over and over--how do I describe a miracle?

Now, as I sit here trying to recap the past 366 days of butterfly kisses, diaper poop-splosions, and tickle fights, I find myself asking a different question--how do I describe a love like this? A love so overwhelming it makes my heart run hot and milky at the sound of you saying my name. A love that can make a pessimistic, impatient, hot-headed woman like your mother turn on a dime, to see the world through new, healed eyes. A love that seemingly grows out of nowhere and requires nothing but your mere existence to thrive.

Those first few months were hard, don’t get me wrong! Many nights your daddy and I looked at each other, unsure of how we were going to make it through this newborn phase. But cluster feedings, sponge baths, and all-nighters soon faded; we were sad and relieved all at the same time. Soon you were smiling, sitting, playing, crawling, walking...on one of the advice cards from your baby shower, someone wrote “the days are long, but the years are short.” How true that is, son. I woke up today and just couldn’t rationalize that I had a one year old. Time escaped me, even though I was there nearly every moment of your life to watch and help you grow. But I think that’s what this type of love does--enough is just never enough. I will always want more years, days, hours, minutes with you, at every stage of your life. (Well, maybe not your teenage years...we’ll see.)

This love--this deep, unyielding, fierce love--its powerful. I pray one day you come to know it with kids of your own someday, but until then, I pray you find this love in the arms of Jesus. A love that is so overwhelming it turns your heart milky at the sound of his name. A love that will turn you away from your sins and flaws, that allows you to see the world through restored eyes. A love that takes you by surprise and only requires His sacrifice and existence to thrive. A love that sends you to your knees in prayer, because enough of Him will never be enough.

As your parents, know that daddy and I love you so much, and we are honored to be the ones who raise you and love you every day. But know this, too. There’s a heavenly father who loves your more deeply, more resiliently, and more fierce than either of us ever could--and trust me, that is a HUGE love.

We love because He first loved us.

     Happy Birthday, sweet son!

XOXO,

Mommy